Three or four people have pinged me from a gay Mormon networking / dating site this past week, the sweeties. Makes me notice how I don't date. Sometimes we have long conversations about nothing or about drama or about the church and it feels familiar and comfortable and a little bit behind me. It's weird to think that guys might be over eighteen and still too young for me.

I was thinking about the toast I'll give at Scott's wedding next October. We've known each other forever. Things have stayed the same, things have changed. There are memories. With age relationships stop suffering from embarrassment a little maybe.

I guess it feels a little like Japan isn't real life. BYU felt that way too, and those years in between. I guess life hasn't felt real since I came out. I'm always waiting for what's next, always planning the end of this and the beginning of that and thinking, when this is over and that's begun, then I'll really be alive. Things will click. My whole soul will come flaring up inside me like a geyser of meaning that infuses everything and makes me think that at last what I'm doing matters.

What I want to say is, I can finally imagine settling down with a husband and raising children, and as that works its way into my thought process I think life will look more real. More lasting. More worthwhile.

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I did not visit the church.