If you were here I wouldn't feel so bad because we'd have been talking over the past couple of weeks, when I wasn't angsty. As it is, I feel like I'm a bit of a downer, only talking to you when there's a snarfy feeling in the back of my skull.

The problem is that I feel incompetent here all the time. Next week is my kendo level test. Today was a trial run. I made so many mistakes that the sensei stopped counting. I still don't understand half the directions. I got there late because I got lost, asked directions from an old woman, and ended up getting on the wrong bus. Downer.

The evening after that was pretty great, though. A performing group called the Young Americans had a show tonight. The first half is a medley of "American culture" things (90's hip hop, Shenandoah, swing, blues, etc.) and the second half was a children's program. It was super cute. I . . . well, I should describe it. And I could. But the back of my skull is snarfy so many I actually can't just now.

And after, my kendo sensei took me out for soba. We managed a mangled but fairly uninterrupted conversation for the whole meal. Which was delicious.

I'm listening to the soundtrack to Hairspray and feeling intense nostalgia waves. One of my favorite roommates was crazy about that movie. Gosh I miss him. And the others we shared the house with. And so many other things. Grease. (The movie.) Being good at things.

Look, I know this passes. Being here is a good thing. I want to be doing what I'm doing, difficult as it is. But tonight, there's snarf and I can't think and . . . other emo things.

You know, I'm kind of glad you're not here tonight. I'd be grumpy company.